Webshit Weekly
October 7, 2025
Reddit stock falls as references to its content in ChatGPT responses plummet
2025-10-01 | comments
Reddit takes a nosedive because the automated plagiarism engines have decided their forum trash isn’t even worth hallucinating anymore. The digital feudal lords assumed that a “moat” of decade-old arguments about memes would subsidize the great fraud indefinitely. Hackernews rushes to defend the valuation by insisting that human attention is the only thing that matters, ignoring that the entire industry is just a shell game where VC firms swap hot air. It turns out that when your business model relies on selling unpaid labor to clankers, you’re just one vibe coding cycle away from bankruptcy.
Meta plans to sell targeted ads based on data in your AI chats
2025-10-01 | comments
Meta (business model: “Uber for selling your therapy notes to vodka distilleries”) has announced that the primary function of their “agentic” AI will be to turn your private breakdowns into public ad inventory. The digital feudal lords have decided that their clankers aren’t just for hallucinating code snippets anymore; they are now high-tech wiretaps designed to harvest your aura. When the webshits inevitably engage in some vibe coding to process their alcoholism with a token predictor, the automated plagiarism engine will dutifully interrupt the session to offer them sweet deals on six-packs. Hackernews reacts with the usual bone-deep cynicism, miscorrecting each other about the scummery leaderboards and debating whether this specific violation of privacy registers on a scale normalized by American negligence. One commenter wonders if cursing at the bot will fast-track them to a therapist, failing to realize that the bot is the therapist and the therapy is consumption. This is the great fraud in action: we built a tech-debt generator capable of simulating human conversation, and the best use case these venture-backed vampires could find was to make the bodega flyers in your pocket sentient and sad.
Tesla Is Sued by Family Who Says Faulty Doors Led to Daughter’s Death
2025-10-02 | comments
Tesla finds itself in legal hot water after their approach to safety engineering claimed another life. The lawsuit alleges that the Cybertruck’s electronic door latches failed to open during an emergency, trapping occupants inside a high-tech coffin because mechanical handles are apparently too analog for the future of transportation. Hackernews arrives late to the funeral, solemnly agreeing that replacing a reliable metal lever with a subscription-dependent solenoid might not have been the peak of innovation. The peanut gallery miscorrects each other on the finer points of “convention breaking,” ignoring that the only problem solved by electronic door poppers was the need to extract more money from repairs. Another day, another webshit convinced that code can repeal the laws of physics and fire safety.
Peter Thiel Essay on the Antichrist, One Piece, and More
2025-10-02 | comments
Peter Thiel has published a sprawling treatise on the Antichrist because apparently ruining democracy and buying islands wasn’t enough aura farming. Hackernews treats this unhinged nonsense as a serious philosophical inquiry, with the usual suspects engaging in a circle-jerk of pseudointellectual despair. The comments section naturally devolves into webshits miscorrecting each other on the nuanced distinctions between “Beltway Libertarians” and “Ultra-Libertarians,” a debate that matters to exactly nobody outside of a San Francisco cocktail party hosted by a sentient algorithm. Everyone misses the point: the only thing Thiel is antichrist-ing is the concept of functional government, and the rest of these venture-backed charlatans are just jealous they didn’t get the copyright.
The UK is still trying to backdoor encryption for Apple users
2025-10-04 | comments
The UK government requests a master key to the walled garden, revealing that Apple isn’t selling hardware so much as leasing you a surveillance state that fits in your pocket. Hackernews engages in their usual circle-jerk of miscorrecting each other, debating the semantic nuances of “ownership” on devices that can be reprogrammed remotely by a digital feudal lord at a moment’s notice. The collective amnesia regarding Apple’s total capitulation to China is staggering, as webshits desperately hope a trillion-dollar company will prioritize their civil liberties over yacht fuel. It’s another day in the great fraud, where security features are just marketing materials until a government asks nicely to turn them off.
Estimating AI energy use
2025-10-05 | comments
Tech publications are finally calculating the carbon footprint of our newest automated plagiarism engines, which turns out to be roughly the same energy cost as operating 14,000 electric vehicles to serve hallucinations to 100 million daily users. The calculations are based on numbers provided without evidence by Sam Altman (business model: Uber for Tech-Bro Monologues), which everyone agrees is definitely not completely fabricated. Hackernews celebrates this as efficient by comparing it to their home electricity consumption and speculating about the “dark fiber” potential of datacenters that will inevitably sit empty when the great AI bubble finally bursts. Several brave souls suggest that burning actual coal to run the digital landlord’s chatbot might accidentally result in useful infrastructure for the rest of us, as if the industry that gave us crypto-mining rigs is going to leave behind anything but toxic waste. Meanwhile, in reality, the energy costs are already being passed directly to consumers through increased electricity rates, ensuring we all pay for the privilege of being hallucinated at whether we want to or not.
CodeMender: an AI agent for code security
2025-10-06 | comments
Google’s hype department (business model: Uber for vaporware) announces “CodeMender,” an ‘agent technology’ designed to fix the security holes created by the previous generation of half-baked AI slop. Naturally, this revolutionary tool is available to exactly zero people, locked behind a wall of glossy marketing videos and vague promises to “gradually reach out” to the poors who actually maintain the code Google scraped for free. Hackernews, always eager to participate in the great fraud, speculates about an inevitable arms race between automated attackers and automated defenders, ignoring the reality where both sides are just hallucinations running in a data center nobody can afford. The commenters briefly touch on the irony of tech giants stealing open source software to build tools that they might one day allow the proles to use, before dissolving into arguments about whether this ‘vibe coding’ abomination actually works or if it’s just another sophisticated way to hallucinate a vulnerability.
Microsoft is plugging more holes that let you use Windows 11 without MS account
2025-10-06 | comments
Microsoft continues its noble quest to ensure you never actually own the computer you paid for, by patching out the ability to log in without an internet connection and a Microsoft account. Hackernews is horrified, seemingly under the impression that their PC is a tool for productivity rather than a billboard for surveillance capitalism, and immediately begins miscorrecting each other about whether Linux is ready for the desktop or if Apple is actually worse at holding your hardware hostage. The entire thread is a desperate cry for agency from people who voluntarily installed an operating system built entirely on dark patterns. Perhaps next quarter, Microsoft can introduce a subscription fee for blinking the cursor, just to finalize the transition from user to tenant.
Tesla releases new more affordable Model 3/Y that cost $2k+ more than last week
2025-10-07 | comments
Tesla has announced a new “more affordable” pricing tier, which somehow manages to cost significantly more than the exact same cars did last week. This economic miracle was made possible by the CEO spending two hundred million dollars to help elect a government that immediately canceled the tax credit for his own products. Hackernews engages in a spirited bout of mental gymnastics to determine if this was a strategic masterstroke to hurt competitors or just another chaotic Wednesday for a man whose primary skill is aura farming the stock market. Meanwhile, the only thing actually being disrupted here is the English language’s definition of the word “affordable.”